Resolutions for other people

So 366 days later we are going into the hairpin bend of year end, making plans, hoping for better. Every year we set ourselves ever higher tasks, such as lose weight, get rich, stop socially unacceptable habits, be nice to people who irritate us. We should have learnt by now that New Years resolutions are best made, and broken in the spirit of festive debauchery, and forgotten just as quickly.
The end of the year brings a sense of hope, however misguided, that next year will be great, that we will be better people, suddenly better looking, somehow more worthy. Alas.
My resolution is really a hardening of a belief that self improvement is a wonderful money spinner, and I must get into the industry but barring extreme surgery, what exactly can that miracle cream do for me? I was offended recently by an infomercial that referred to getting rid of your "disgusting cellulite". Look, it may not be pretty, but it's harmless, quite interesting to look at, strangely lumpy and in unexpected places, and actually attached to my person. It may be unfortunate, but it's not disgusting. The cure for cellulite is apparently an evil regime consisting of denial of coffee, sugar, alcohol and fat. As if thats going to happen. I resolve this year to be kind to cellulite starting with not calling it names.
As for those deep seated wrinkles, that apparently can vanish with the application of budget breaking goo, well this year I resolve to just rub money on them, twice a day, between cleansing, and toning. Same thing really.
So in the spirit of the new year, l have decided to make resolutions for other people.

Future prez Zuma should resolve to hand in his machine gun, and join Gun Free SA thus setting a good example for the youth. Speaking of which, the Youth League should lower their age restriction to 25, or change their name to the middle aged league. The Government should take job creation seriously by ensuring rotation of top posts every six months, sharing the wealth, and we may find some effective individuals if there is limited time to make an impact.
The environment should be a priority along with job creation so let's institute tax breaks for people who don't throw stuff out of their cars.
You could get money back for keeping your rubbish on board. Unemployed people can be set to work cleaning up the stuff that people throw into rivers and out of their car windows. It's called recycling, and is a new fangled idea of reusing resources, such as paper, plastic, glass and metal. Hope it catches on. With our recycled materials lets make a local car, something tough enough for South African streets, with variable suspension, and wheels that operate independently, so while one is in a hole the other three are maintaining ground contact. We could call it the pothole pronker. We could power it with one of those natural resources we have in abundance, not hot air but sunlight, the rays not the liquid.
Yes a new year bring new opportunities, new ideas and new chances to laugh, so just keep smiling, only 365 days to go.

Bright Sparks

Getting into the festive spirit this year seems to be more of an effort than usual, which seems to mean drinking more. Alcohol has proved to be recession proof once again, as we self medicate ourselves happy.
Is it really neccessary to remind people not to drink and drive, not even a little bit? Is there anyone out there who doesn't see the importance of wearing their seat belt, and making sure that children are buckled up and safe? And apparently there are still plenty of speed idiots out there who have to overtake at all costs, even someone elses life. Some things you can't change.
Instead of bemoaning the year that was, lets rather look at the highlights and rejoice that we made it. There have been some amazing and positive aspects to this year, the magic sparks of light that cheered us up.
The festive season should be a time to enjoy friends and family, not to mourn them and yet we have a transport company with a bad track record defying a ban placed on them and being given the all clear by the courts. For a moment there we were proud of Transport MEC Bheki Cele for putting his foot down.
Being proud to be South African took on a very real meaning this year when our unions refused to handle arms bound for Zimbabwe, and although they got there by some other route, we made a stand at least.
This festive season spare a thought for the ordinary people of Zim, who are not immune to hyperinflation, perhaps not politically connected, and victims of a crime against humanity and an insult to the dignity of African nations.
Our Olympic hopes were perhaps a bit ambitious, yet our disabled athletes did us proud. Both Natalie du Toit and Oscar Pistorious don't seem to see themselves as disabled, competing with the best able bodied athletes in the world and sweeping the boards in the paralympics. Imagine not allowing obstacles to stop you, how empowering that must be, and to have the courage to overcome even enormous physical disabilities. Just amazing.
Change can be good. As the landslide vote electing Barack Obama to the White House showed that the American people were more than ready for a change. Although Hilary Rodham Clinton is possibly the best prepared and experienced candidate to run for office, her skills will at least not be lost. Unfortunately, bad government in the U.S.A. affects the whole world, so a moment of thanksgiving for change and a quiet prayer that they can solve the global economic woes that have affected so many.
It has been a year of reckoning for the motor industry and turnaround predictions are safely betting on the last quarter of 2009. It is hoped that interest rates and inflation reductions will hasten recovery. In the meantime when the going gets tough, the tough improve service levels and provide unbeatable customer care, and sell cars. It's the South African way.

Christmas shopping crazies

Do you work with sane people? If so then you're very lucky, and in a rare position. Any vacancies at mental health for all? Most of us have crazy colleagues exhibiting a number of strange behaviours most of which we must politely ignore or start world war three, as we try to change their behaviour while pointing out our own perfect natures. Some of the oddest behaviours are suddenly acceptable, like talking to yourself in the workplace. It's fine to call yourself a damn idiot, it's the answering back that's a problem.
The obsessive compulsive disorder can be seen in continual penclicking, fingertapping, whistling songs no one knows, and continuing conversations started months ago, and supposedly concluded then.
 Since so much of our time is spent with our oddly endearing
colleagues and not with our families, or loved ones, at least there is free fun. Why then, when we finally get our end of year break, everyone wants to do the same things as everyone else. Joburgers all want to go to the beach, and thank the gods of tourism they do, and herd together in their rows of sun damaged, ripped off splendour. Christmas Shopping is another nice money printer. Only eight shopping days left. Feel the fear, embrace the panic and go shopping before
everything is sold to someone else. So we herd off to spend hours in the warzone of the local mall, getting shoved aside for elusive bargains, run over by aggressive pram wielding mommies.  BEWARE those with kid in pram and two in tow manic mommas, they are " this close to giving someone a smack." The saddest thing is seeing those families where husbands have been dragged along to do the shopping. They lurch around like TV Sports deprived zombies, looking like they have been beaten, nodding when required and becoming visibly paler as they hand over credit cards and just plain getting in the way. Heres a plan to reduce congestion during the psycho shopping season, no children under 18 allowed and no men under 90, and that would mean a quicker less fraught shopping experience for all. And during this season of goodwill we won't have to be party to other peoples disfunctional families as they work through those issues that have rankled all year, publicly and without embarressment, just because its Christmas.

Gimme hope.

What happens after everything falls down? When all hope has gone and there is no possibility of continuing the status quo?Are these conditions ripe for
revolution or does overwhelming misery mitigate against any possibility of
positive change? Well we may just find out when it comes to Zimbabwe or we may have to stretch our resources ever further as the cholera outbreak hits home, and no one stands up to rid the country of dictatorship. Disease and poverty know no boundaries, making our mapmakeing ridiculous, and our ownership of particular pieces of land, moot at best. The unexpected
provides work for acturies, insurers and prophets and if you make a profit in these times seems to have more to do with crystal ball gazing than science.

There are however some things we can always rely on. Not just death and
taxes but the nature of people in that one persons disaster is opportunity
for another. The costs of new vehicles has been a bonus for the used car
dealers, and with expected price increases of up to 25 % in the new year,
this could prove to be a very good year for used vehicles.  In times like
these it’s a good idea to know where your vehicle came from so ask for full
service history which will show you whether it has been serviced regularly
and whether it really was owned by that proverbial little old lady who only
went to church in it.
Check that your dealer is a member of the retail motor
industry organisation which gives you some recourse if the wheels fall off.
Contact them on 011 886 6300 or see the website at www.rmi.org.za.

Reputation is vitally important and while advertising is the best way to get
your message out there, there is an odd correlation between the companies
that do advertise and are also on the lips of friends and family as good
options. So do ask around and get opinions, on where you can get a fair
deal. With so many vehicles on showroom floors you should probably try to
negotiate. I’m not saying it will work everytime, but it may be worth a try.
The newspapers are full of doom and gloom, but there are some things to look
forward to. Like an interest rate cut before Christmas, the petrol
pricegoing down further, and another rolled over Lotto. Now that’s what I’m
holding out for..